The Day I Met Fate

Your hands are full and someone appears to hold the door open for you. You feel underdressed and then a stranger compliments your outfit. A friend calls you and says the exact words you had been needing to hear. Sometimes people pass through your life leaving your soul feeling grounded and refreshed. I call these people angels. Whether they are in your life for a moment or a lifetime, they give you whatever you need and then go along their way.

These angels are everywhere. All you need to do is remember to slow down and see them.

LET ME SEE THE ANGELS

I am in Las Vegas. It is the morning of day two of a work trade show and one of those days where it seems like everything that can go wrong does. From the second I step out of bed, nothing is easy. I am running late. I make my way down the forty seventh floor of the hotel to the bus stop out front, only to realize I forgot my project folder upstairs. Once I go and get it from my room and get back out to the bus stop, I realize I left my wallet upstairs. Back up to my room again.

When I am in my room for the third time, I decide to stop and reset my energy so that things don’t keep spiraling in the wrong direction. I stop, take a deep breath, and look into the mirror. I pray that things will start to go more smoothly today. I could really use some angels in my life to help me get through the day. A voice in my head says, say it out loud. I look into my eyes in the mirror. “God, please let me see the angels today.” With that, I grab all of my stuff and head back down to the bus stop.

MY FEET LEAD ME TO FATE

I get to work and my feet already hurt from wearing heels on the concrete floor all day the day before. Today is going to be a long day. Once an hour, I sneak back behind our booth and take off my shoes to give my feet some relief. There are two security guards standing behind there for most of the day.

One of them is a well dressed gentleman about my age, wearing some thick framed stylish glasses. He looks over at me as I step behind the booth and take off my shoes. He laughs and says, “Feet hurting you?” I laugh and tell him yes.

He walks over and introduces himself as Fate. I look at his name tag which confirms this is indeed his name. He asks what I do for work. I tell him I work events for various companies like this one, but would prefer to spend more time on my social media business which I work on the side. He says maybe your feet are hurting so that you have enough of this and are more motivated to concentrate on what you actually want to be doing. I laugh and say, “Maybe you are right.” I tell him to have a good day and walk back to my booth.

THIS STORY IS ABOUT YOU

Fate is back there all day in the distance. At the end of my shift, he is standing there alone. “I made it!” I tell him. He laughs. He says, “I hope your feet feel better tomorrow.” I tell him thank you and mention that I wasn’t trying to complain about my feet all day. I hope it didn’t seem that way.

He says, “It is okay to state when things are negative. You need the negative to keep balance. Life is all about balance. Negative things happen and they are necessary. Especially in love. Even disagreements, arguments, etc. The point is to let them happen and now dwell on them or let fear or worry or negative emotions blind you.”

He then tells me a story about how he likes helping people and really loving them. Sometimes people will tell him that if he keeps loving people like that then he will get taken advantage of. He shouldn’t keep giving to those who take take take. He wants to love everyone anyways and for some reason it bothers him that some people do not understand that. He ponders why it bothers him so much and realizes he just needs to keep doing what he is doing no matter what anyone else says.

I feel like he is telling my story. I can relate to this so much. I tell him “Yes, I can completely relate to that!” He says, “Well this story is about you.”

I pause.

He smiles and says, “We did not meet by chance. I am here right now because you recently prayed to hear me. You wanted to see the angels and I am a messenger.”

I instantly feel overwhelmed with emotions that I can’t explain. He says there are things God wants to tell me. 

So, I listen.

YOUR GIFT IS TO GIVE

He says, “Everyone has a gift. Your gift is to give. Like a doctor gives medicine. You give people love they need in different forms. Sometimes like medicine, people don’t want to take it. Give it to them anyways. That is your job. Sometimes people won’t even know they need it. But you have to use the gift God gave you. Do you understand?” I nod.

He says, “A lot of times there are things you need to tell people that can help them. You overthink it because you don’t want to make them mad or don’t know the right words to say. Don’t overthink it, the spirit will guide your words.

He continues, “You have prayed a lot and you need to now that you are not crazy. Just because people don’t understand you doesn’t mean you are crazy. You know who you are. Keep being you. A long time ago I would wonder why I had to be a messenger. Why couldn’t I be normal like everyone else. “Normal” people don’t know so they have no responsibility. Once you are aware you are assigned responsibility from God to do better and use your gift of knowing. One day I decided to embrace my gift and you need to embrace yours as well.”

FEEL THE ENERGY

He then says, “I can walk into a room and sense people’s energies. I want you to put your hands together. (Like praying but your hands are about 5 inches apart.) Start moving them like you are warming your hands but don’t touch them. Wait until you can feel something.”

I feel the tingle of energy that I describe as love. I tell him I can feel the energy. He tells me to now move my hands farther apart. I do. He asks if I can still feel it. I say yes. He says to move them further and asks again and we continue until my hands are all the way out.

He says, your energy is so strong. I have only met about five people in my lifetime with energy as strong as yours. 

He continues to talk to me about more personal matters and there are times when the things he says are exactly the things I have been praying about. I get a little choked up. He says, “You know, it is okay to cry quite often. For you, you need to get the negative emotions out this way in order to make room for the good ones.”

IT TAKES A REAL SOLDIER TO STAY POSITIVE

He then says, “I have one more message for you. I teach meditation and other related courses and last week I was working with a bunch of Marines. I told them, what you do doesn’t take all that much strength. Anyone can get angry and fight and want revenge. It takes a real soldier to stay positive in the presence of negativity. To keep your peace within and continue to spread love is tough.”

He then says, “You need to remember what your gifts are and use them. Will you?”

I tell him that I will try.

He says, “Then you missed the moment. God works in moments. Moment by moment. You must do it, not try.” I say that I will.

“It was nice to meet you. Enjoy your evening, Jill.” I tell him thank you and to do the same. With that, we go our separate ways and never meet again.

Watch Out For Sharks

A few years ago I googled “off the beaten path hippie surfer beach towns” and wrote down every city that showed up in the search results. That is how I ended up in Byron Bay, Australia.

Byron Bay is one of those towns that make you feel like you stepped back into the 1960’s. A place on the coast, where in the movies, families go to spend their entire summer vacation. VW vans parked along the beach. Long haired boys and girls carrying surfboards toward the water. Cute little shops downtown selling ice cream cones and kabobs. Byron Bay is one of the most beautiful and chill places I have ever been.

But this week has been sort of eerie here in Byron. There is an electric energy in the air as the town is buzzing with people in town for an annual surf competition. There was a pretty bad shark attack yesterday, and today, two backpackers went into the water and were never seen again. Helicopters have been patrolling up and down the coastline searching for the boys, while also looking out for sharks. On top of it all, Cyclone Irma is moving closer to the coast, bringing wind and choppy water. What a place to be.

A GUY NAMED MATT

So here I am in Byron. Playing pool with a guy named Matt and his roommate. I met them yesterday at a local brewery. The beach was closed due to the shark attack, so obviously a brewery was the next best thing. I walked in alone and they immediately invited me to join them at their table. We have been hanging out ever since.

Matt is the quieter of the two, but incredibly sweet. Wherever we go, people seem to know him. I imagine him to be one of those guys that you start dating and when he introduces you to one of his guy friends, they put their hand on his shoulder and make some joke to you about, “You better watch out for this guy!” while they wink and smile at you and pat him on the back. Him just standing there shaking his head and smiling. You know, a genuinely good guy that people like to be around.

I am drawn to Matt. He has a mysterious way about him. He doesn’t talk about himself much. His roommate will tell a story about him, and Matt will just nod and say something like, “Oh yea, I used to be the top chef at the best restaurant in town.” or “Oh yea, that happened when I lived in a tent in the bush for 2 years.” Things that make you say, ‘What did you just say?!’ He definitely isn’t the type to boast about himself. Humble but extremely interesting.

It is Sunday night. Matt has to work tomorrow so he offers to drive me home. We decide to stop by the beach before he drops me off. The moon is full which makes the sky bright. We walk for a bit and then sit down to talk. I feel completely at peace next to him. The conversation is relaxed but deep. Nothing is forced and even silence is comfortable. Conversation is just too easy. We decide we will spend the afternoon at the beach tomorrow.

FEARLESS BUT STILL MINDFUL OF THE SHARKS

During the week we sort of develop a routine. Matt gets off work, picks me up, and we head to the beach. Once we get to the beach, we sit down and each roll a cigarette. I can never roll mine right, so he ends up having to roll both. We talk for a bit and then get in the water. I quickly learn that Matt is fearless. Especially when it comes to the ocean. He absolutely loves being in the water. Each day, I watch him run right up to the water and dive in. Just like a little kid. I absolutely love this about him. It is incredibly refreshing to watch.

Me on the other hand. I tip toe in and think about all of the sharks in that area. But for some reason when I am with Matt, I feel fearless too. He reminds me how it feels to really live. I usually stay waist high where I can still see my toes, and he goes in deeper. Even though there are so many people in town, we end up having the beach to ourselves almost every day. While he body surfs, I walk around and stare into the water. Just enjoying each moment. I am mesmerized by the way the crystal clear water reflects the light so beautifully. How I can see fish swimming all around me. After awhile, we meet back up by our stuff. Then we sit and talk until the sun starts to go down.

Over the week, our conversations get deeper and more personal. I feel as if we can talk about anything or nothing at all. I tell him a story about my heart being recently broken right before this trip. He tells me about the last girl he loved. They were together for quite a long time. Then, one day, he woke up to find out that she had been walking home the night before and was hit by a car. Unfortunately, she didn’t make it.

I can feel the heaviness in his heart as he tells me this story. My own heart is exploding with love for him as I listen. This Thursday is the anniversary of the date that she died. Wow. I don’t know why, but for some reason, I really feel like we met this week because he needed someone next to him. I won’t get into it, but I really needed someone too. We definitely met for a reason.

THURSDAY

Thursday comes and I know this is a tough day in Matt’s life. We get to the beach as usual. As we are walking up the pathway, we are talking about my blog. I haven’t had anything to write about in quite some time. He looks at me and winks. “I’ll give you something to write about.” I laugh and say okay, just try to make it exciting.

As soon as I can see the water, I feel the wind and see that the waves are pumping. You can definitely tell that the cyclone is coming in. He mentions to me that this is a nude beach, there is just no one here right now. Oh, interesting. Well don’t expect me to take my clothes off. He smiles.

We sit down first as usual. As he rolls our cigarettes he says, you know, a year ago on this very day, I came to this beach and went out into the water. My plan was to go out and drown myself. I just couldn’t handle the pain anymore. But someone saw me and pulled me out against my will. I wanted to die. But I guess it wasn’t my time.

This story breaks my heart. Well Matt, I am so happy you are still alive.

THE WAVES ARE PUMPING

I look out to the water. The waves are rolling in fast and hard. There is an advisory not to swim and the beaches are actually technically closed. But regardless of the missing backpackers, the shark attack, the strong current, etc. Matt still wanted to come to the beach and go swimming. Sounds about right.

I walk to the water. Usually I get in, but something about today feels different. It doesn’t seem safe out there. I tell this to Matt but he brushes me off and says he will be fine. Like I said, he is fearless. He grabs his bright yellow boogie board, runs right up to the water, and dives in. I imagine the smile on his face. The happy little boy that he turns into the second he hits the water.

I look to my right and see a naked man has arrived a few hundred feet down the shore. I guess this really is a nude beach. I look back towards the water to watch Matt. The waves are coming in hard. There is no break, just one right after the other. Matt has already made it out pretty far. So far that I can barely make out the shape of him, just see his yellow board.

A huge wave comes in and I see him duck his head to dive through it. I wait for him to come up but he never does. I look around for him but the waves are coming in too fast. I can’t see between them at all. I strain my eyes to try to see further. I don’t see Matt anywhere. He is a strong swimmer so I am not all that worried. Okay, maybe a little. But I relax, close my eyes, and feel the sun shining down on my face. 

WHERE IS MATT

About ten minutes go by and I still don’t see Matt. I start to get slightly worried. I scan my eyes up and down the water. Looking for a person anywhere or any sight of his yellow board. Nothing. Hmmm. I walk down the beach in case the current has pulled him down further.

Another ten minutes go by and I definitely start to panic. Where could he be? Please God, let Matt be alive. Should I go in the water and look for him myself? The waves are too strong. I will definitely not make it. My phone is up the beach by our stuff. But by the time I call for help and they get here, it would be too late anyways. But I really should tell someone, anyone, that my friend is missing. Right? Ugh, I don’t know what to do. I just stand there and continue to search with my eyes. Holding onto hope.

Why is this happening? Please just let me get a glimpse of him. How ironic would it be if the Universe took him on the anniversary of his girlfriend’s death? On the anniversary of him trying to kill himself? I don’t know what to do. I look up and down the beach. Start to walk faster along the water. I haven’t seen Matt for about thirty minutes. At this point, I am even looking along the sand for a body to wash up. Fuck. 

WE SHOULD BE SCARED OF THE WATER, NOT SHARKS

I picture him in my head. Him and his cute smile. Don’t cry Jill, stay strong. Think through this. It has been forty minutes now since I lost sight of him. There is no way he is still alive. I can’t believe this is happening. Not to Matt. I will go and get our stuff and call the police and ask them to notify the coast guard. I will call his roommate and tell him what happened. Sit there and wait while they search for his body. I feel so alone.

I start to run back to our stuff to call for help. Just then, up the beach I see his yellow board wash up on the sand. No. My heart drops. Please no. I am shaking. I can’t breathe. I start to run towards his board. All of the sudden I see a body lying there face down in the sand. The waves rolling in over it. Matt. He is moving. He is coughing. I am in shock. My knees are weak. I go over to him and he is white and shaking. I help him stand up. We slowly walk back to our stuff and sit down. Just stare into the ocean for a minute in silence.

FIGHTING TO SURVIVE

I ask if he is okay. “Jill, I didn’t think I was going to survive. Every time I came up for air, another wave would crash over me, throwing me back under.” He had literally been fighting for his life for the last forty minutes. “There was a point where I said to myself, ‘This is it.’ And I was about to let go and just give up. Then somehow I was pushed up to shore.”

I think about what he told me just a few hours before. How on this day last year, he went into the water purposely trying to kill himself. How he had wanted to die. And how ironic it was that today he found himself in that very situation, this time fighting to stay alive. How far he has come.

LIFE CAN BE REALLY FREAKING HARD

We walk to the car in silence. Me in my head. I think about all of the things that Matt taught me that week. He showed me what it means to be fearless. He reminded me what it feels like to really connect with someone else’s soul. But I think most importantly, he reminded me that sometimes life can be really freaking hard. Sometimes so hard that you don’t want to go on.

But also how life can, and most often does, get better. Sometimes so slowly that you don’t even realize anything has changed. Then, before you know it, you find yourself in a situation where you are fighting to survive. Hope is no longer gone. You realize the tears you are crying are now made up of some happy instead of only sad. It is in these moments that you realize for the first time that even though you may not know how you got here, you are actually thankful to be alive.

We get in the car and head back home. “Well at least now you have something to blog about.” Yea, too soon, Matt. Way too soon. 

Finding Beauty in the Struggle, Together

This pandemic just so happened to reach me during one of the toughest times in my life. Maybe because of that, it seems to have magnified every single area where I feel stuck. It has reminded me in a not so gentle way, of the things about myself that I still need to work on. Suddenly spending all of my time with another person when I am used to being alone, has reminded me to practice being more patient. Constantly making mistakes, like sanitizing groceries and later realizing I could have done something more carefully, has reminded me to not be so hard on myself. Taking things out on others because I am frustrated and sick of hearing about all of the bad going on, has reminded me to stop, breathe, and be more mindful.

It has been hard to watch these parts of myself come out. Especially during a time when there aren’t as many things to distract myself with. Its like here you go Jill, some things to work on! And you have nothing else to do so what are you waiting for. And me pretending I am sleeping so that I don’t hear anything this imaginary voice is telling me to do. But maybe this voice is right. Maybe it actually is the best time to turn inward and deal with the not so pretty parts of ourselves. What else do we have to do? Trauma tends to bring out issues. And this may be one of the most traumatic events in our lifetime whether we realize that yet or not. But there is good news. Roughly 8 billion people understand what you are going through.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACES

When a group of people go through something together and that circumstance is infused with the are we going to make it, we might not make it, we can’t stop until we make it, drive that pushes you to your limits. You don’t know if you are going to survive but somehow you do. Together. It bonds you for life. You can go your separate ways, but you never forget.

This is why when someone asks me what my favorite countries have been so far, Cambodia is always on my list. They went through something significant and it really changed them. In the late 1970’s, a mass execution took place across the entire country, killing nearly 2 million people. This was a fourth of the country’s population. Amongst the survivors, you can feel their sense of community. It as if they understand the pain each other endured and it continues to ground their souls and connect them in the deepest way.

You can feel this the second you step foot there. The locals seem to genuinely appreciate each other and enjoy spending time together. As you walk down the street, you are greeted with warm hellos and smiles from every single person you pass. You existence is acknowledged. Your presence is welcomed. And it feels really good. In Buddhism, it is the contemplation of death that makes one understand and appreciate life. In Cambodia, it is as if they have embraced this ideology and used this tragedy to create a culture full of love and connection. If you ever visit, take the time to stop and feel the energy. It is truly a beautiful feeling.

COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS

I remember feeling this same type of energy in the United States on and after 9/11. In the days following, the pace of life was slower and it seemed quieter outside.  Being reminded of death had made us more mindful of life. Strangers were nicer to each other. We were mourning, but together. And for a moment, it felt as if we were united as one. You could just feel it in the air. If you were around, you know the feeling I am talking about.

There were even several studies done measuring collective consciousness and the energy surrounding 9/11. In a study by Princeton University, researchers found that such a large number of people around the world were affected in the same way that their collective mental energy actually altered the operation of computers!* Which shows you how powerful this energy actually is.

“Large scale group consciousness has effects in the physical world. 

Knowing this, we can intentionally work toward a brighter, more conscious future.”

Imagine if we all changed our energy and feelings about this pandemic at the exact same time. From a perspective of fear, to one of love. If we used this situation as a catalyst to start to remember what really matters in life. One thing about collective consciousness is that whatever energy is most prevalent, is also contagious. And the stronger it is, the more sustainable it becomes. And we need now more than ever, to feel love. In order to keep us going.

THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IS TOGETHER

The entire world is going through something that most of us if not all of us, have never experienced before. And I think that is why this could potentially end up way more traumatic than we are yet to realize. We are currently fighting a war where the enemy is invisible and silent. I think that is so incredibly scary. We know that this thing can potentially kill us and we can’t see if it is hiding in our homes. We don’t know if it is on our clothes, in our food, in our bodies. And even if it is, we don’t know much about how to fight it.

It is understandable why it took or is taking some people so long to take this seriously. It seems like something out of a movie. But it is real. And I think that as that sinks in, it is going to start hitting us pretty hard. We are going to need to lean on each other as much as possible. When everything else is stripped away, we are left only with each other. And that is what is happening right now. People are losing their jobs. Plans are ruined. We are beginning to mourn the loss of our former lives. 

We may live in different countries. Have different backgrounds, jobs, religions. None of this matters anymore. What matters now is that we are all going through this together. We need to help each other through this by remembering how similar we actually are as human beings. We have the same fears. The same daily struggles. We are simply trying to survive. We get frustrated at times. Other times, we feel trapped or are scared of the future. And sometimes, we even feel like giving up.

IT STARTS WITH YOU

While the struggle of this is real, it is also incredibly beautiful. And humbling. I saw a nurse on TV today crying and it really pulled my heart strings. She had spent the last thirteen hours caring for COVID patients and it was really starting to break her down. The severity of the situation was becoming real for her.  And how hard it is for her to try and help patients all day when she doesn’t know if they will survive. She was begging people to stay home. Because it is getting worse and will stay that way until we work together to stop it. I felt her pain. I cried her tears. My heart was overflowing with love for her. This is hard for everyone. But that also means we aren’t alone. And that is the part that is beautiful.

A world where everyone is going through the same thing is a world full of empathy and understanding.

We have a huge opportunity and I think even responsibility, to use this pandemic and our current situation to reunite globally. To create a collective energy that is positive, loving, and supportive. One that is lasting and that can be felt across the world. It is a way we can create something beautiful out of this tragic situation. And the only way to change the energy of the world is to start within ourselves. It is the best time to do this. Surrounded with a world of people who understand, it creates a safe space to be vulnerable. To let other people help you. To help them as well. We can all share in this experience together and by doing that, create lasting change. 

We need to use this time to be willing to look at the not so easy to see parts of ourselves. Think about how we can grow and become better people. We can take our uncertainty and use it as a reminder to appreciate who and what we have today. Let the recent changes in our lives remind us that nothing is permanent and use it as a reminder to learn to let go. Let our fear of death remind us to embrace life. Let’s take this time to stop and reset our entire way of being in order to create a more peaceful and loving world. Now is the time to become one again. And it starts with you.

“Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness 

and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”

– John Lennon

ADDITIONAL INFO

RESOURCES

It is easier to connect now more than ever. Everything is online, you can join groups with people from all over the world. Talk to people who are going through the same thing. Use these resources to stay connected and become more mindful.

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
• Eventbrite https://www.eventbrite.com/d/online/free–events/meditation/
• The Sanctuary https://www.thesanctuaryheal.com/
• Svound https://svound.com/
• Gabby Bernstein: Anxiety Relief Workshop https://www.gabbywebinar.com/anxietyreliefworkshop/

Should I Namaste or Should I Namastgo

Blog post written by: Casey Ruth

November 1, 2019

YOU CAN WIN THE RAT RACE BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU’RE STILL A RAT

Traveling is one thing in life that you can spend money on and be richer for it. It’s an investment in self improvement and gives you an education that can not be provided in any academic institution. You are different. The place you call home is foreign upon your return by its unfamiliarity, except it’s exactly the same as the day you left it and it is you that has changed.

Those familiar to you have become strangers and the strangers you met have become a part of you. You can relate to them. You see the world through the same eyes, even though you come from opposite sides of it.

You begin to feel uncomfortable in your own habitat; a fish that’s allergic to water and you begin to wonder if returning was the right decision. “Home” no longer has a sense of belonging to you and you feel more lost there than you did on your own in any Asian city for the first time. It seems gray and unattractive and it’s not because you have grown accustomed to oceans that resemble Powerade, or that you are ungrateful, but that you are used to a new way of life.

You are used to the fast traffic of Vietnam or the hustle and bustle of another buzzing capital, but at the same time, the fast paced lifestyle is no longer appealing. You can win the rat race, but at the end of the day, you’d still be a rat and you much prefer to end the day with a pink sunset and cotton candy clouds as opposed to a full bank account and an empty heart.

You realize that you are homesick for a place that doesn’t exist.

HOME IS NO LONGER A PLACE, IT BECOMES A FEELING

Leaving your home town is a life changing decision and traveling solo makes you realize just how capable and responsible you are not only for your sleeping, eating and travel arrangements, but for well being and your own happiness. It is a dangerous tautology to appreciate your own solitude, as there is no longer an urge to seek validation nor fill a void.

This provides invincibility, as you do not NEED anyone and no longer spend your time searching for a significant other. You are already complete. Why would you be impressed by a guy who is going to offer you the world when you’ve already seen it all? Love is complex. It will take something more breathtaking than a waterfall to willingly sacrifice your independence when you have fallen in love with life.

If someone enters your life that makes you consider staying in one place, this could be your biggest adventure yet. 

The cliche of girls “finding themselves” whilst globetrotting is not quite a cliche at all, it’s an ideology, it’s a pilgrimage. And it’s not that we’re running away from something, it’s about what we’re running towards. Something incredible, something unfathomable, and we know it even when others can not see it, let alone comprehend it.

We feel it vibrating beneath our tanned skin and sun soaked bones. That’s why we take these risks and leave behind our lives in the knowledge that something amazing could happen if we just say yes.

Home is not a building, it is a feeling. It is not a place, to some it may be a person. To find it, you need to ask yourself, does he smell like home or is it time to hit the road? Are you going to Namaste or are you going to Namastgo?

ADDITIONAL INFO

ABOUT CASEY RUTH

Casey currently lives in Newcastle and spends most of her time traveling, likely to somewhere with white sandy beaches, a homemade bottle of rice wine, and crystal clear ocean water.

I met Casey while I was on the beach by myself on a small deserted island in Malaysia. She walked right up to me, sat down, and we ended up spending the next three weeks traveling across the magnificent island of Borneo together. She has a pure, loving heart and an inspiring, positive energy. The best thing about Casey is that when you are with her, you will often end up somewhere you never even imagined was possible.

Instagram

Cool Girls Ride in Convertibles

I have experienced a lot in my life and traveling has given me the opportunity to meet people from all over the world. From diverse cultures, with different backgrounds, all with unique life circumstances in the present moment. But there is also so much I have missed out on. Experiences and connections I have actively chosen not to have. And up until this point, that has been okay with me. Keeping myself closed off from experiencing more. From opening up and really connecting with those around me. But I can no longer go on living like this. Let me explain.

WAKING LIFE

I was recently watching one of my favorite movies, “Waking Life,” and there is a scene in it that really opened my eyes. In the movie, a guy and a girl walk past each other on the street without saying anything to each other. The girl then stops and turns around. She walks back up to him and says the following.

“Hey. Could we do that again? I know we haven’t met, but I don’t want to be an ant, you know? I mean, it’s like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continuously on ant auto-pilot with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive here. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this any colony buzzing along in an efficient polite manner. “Here’s your change.” “Paper or plastic?” “Credit or debit?” “You want ketchup with that?” I don’t want a straw, I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don’t want to give that up. I don’t want to be an ant, you know?”

I actually think about this often. As I am standing in an elevator. A stranger standing next to me. Both of us just standing there. In silence. Failing to acknowledge one another. Or as I am walking along on the street. People passing by all around me. Each of us in our own heads with our own thoughts. Living our own lives. We walk around like zombies. Keeping to ourselves and avoiding real moments of human connection.

NO. NO. NOT HELLO!

A few weeks ago. In Bali. I am sitting outside on the porch at my guesthouse. There is another porch directly across, on the other side of the pool. Facing mine. A guy walks out and sits down to smoke a cigarette. We are minding our own business. Sitting there in silence. Aware of each other’s presence. But choosing to stay separate. There is a moment when I look up at him. I then see his head slowly start to look up at me as well. We are about to make eye contact but at the last second, I look away. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him hold his gaze on me for a few moments longer. As if there is something he is about to say. Like he is about to recognize my presence out loud. With a simple hello. But I avoid it. For some reason, I turn away instead of giving him that chance. He gathers his things, stands up, and walks back inside. The moment is gone. All it had to be was a simple smile. A hello. So that we could both feel alive. But I didn’t give him that. I didn’t give that to myself.

My memories are too often made up of these types of moments. Moments when I wanted to open up but chose not to. Flashes of me choosing not to participate. Not letting people in. The times I decided to stay silent when all I had to do was look at someone for one more second, let someone see who I am. Show them a small part of me. Let them show me a small part of them. All I had to do was say something. Anything. But I didn’t.

IF A STRANGER OFFERS YOU CANDY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO EAT IT

We are all living this life together but choosing to keep ourselves separated. But as human beings, don’t we all just want to be acknowledged? To feel like we exist? Like we belong? To not have to go through this life experiencing our troubles alone? To even feel like we are noticed and appreciated? Maybe even loved? So why do we continue to walk around avoiding the very thing we crave?

The more I think about this, the more I believe that we have unconsciously become conditioned to be this way from the time we are children. One of the first things we are told is, “Do not talk to strangers.” Of course as children, this is a beneficial thing to learn. To keep us safe. But as we grow older, we hold on to this same mentality. Still to keep us safe, but from different things.

To avoid rejection. Or to avoid having to reject others. Or because we are too busy. We can’t talk to everyone so we talk to no one. Or because we simply don’t know what to say. Whatever the reason, becoming aware of all of the moments I have chosen to stay hidden has finally shown me a part of myself that has been conditioned to live in fear. A wall I have subconsciously built. A side of myself that is sabotaging so many potential connections with the people around me. I have been protecting myself. Trying to stay safe. Even though now I am old enough to know that if a stranger offers me candy, that doesn’t mean I have to eat it.

A HOT GUY TALKED TO ME BECAUSE I SMILED

The most introverted person (me) will still tell you that some of their happiest moments are those shared with another individual or group of individuals. This is true for most, if not all, of us. And what I have learned is that how we open ourselves up to the world is directly related to how the world opens up to us in return.

In Bali, the day after I avoided confrontation with the guy on the porch, I am walking along the road next to the ocean. Aware of the moment the previous day, I consciously decide to make an effort.  As I walk down the path, I see a guy standing next to his bike up ahead of me. As I walk by, I smile and say hello. I keep walking but then hear a voice behind me. I turn around and see him catching up to me. He asks where I am from. We start talking and I notice that he is actually quite good looking. We end up hanging out that night (and a few more 😉 ) and he mentions that the reason he talked to me initially was because I had smiled at him. He knew I was friendly. It was like the Universe rewarding me for trying. For getting out of my own head and letting someone in. Instead of choosing to stay hidden from the world.

COOL GIRLS RIDE IN CONVERTIBLES

This brings me to another memory I have from when I was about eight years old. A single moment that I will never forget. I am sitting in the back of my parent’s car at a stop light. Next to us, there is a group of pretty girls all sitting in a red convertible, talking and laughing. They are much older than me. Seem much cooler than me since I am just a kid. Suddenly, one of them stops talking and looks over at me. For an instant, I want to hide because she has caught me watching them. But at that moment, she looks directly into my eyes and smiles at me. I smile back. The light turns green and we both go our separate ways. 

It was a simple moment but one that has had a profound impact on my life. That cool girl took a few seconds out of her own life to stop and acknowledge my existence. How wonderful that made me feel. At eight years old. It showed me how powerful connection can be. How much we all need it. No matter what age we are.

We all have so many opportunities each day to connect with others in this way. To leave them feeling like I did that day in the car. We have the chance to make someone’s day tad bit brighter because we talk to them. Or ask them how they are doing. When someone is having a bad day or going through a tough time in their lives, we have the power to help them. Without even knowing anything about them. With a smile. Or maybe even a passing conversation.

I strongly believe that one of the reasons we go through tough things in life is because it gives us the chance to help others who may be going through a similar situation. To be their light, to let them know we can relate to them and have been there too. That we made it through, are okay, and that they will be okay as well. Or just to even remind them that they don’t have to go through this life alone. No one does.

I DON’T WANT TO BE AN ANT. I WANT TO BE A HUMAN.

I say from now on, we get out of our heads and consciously try to experience more of these human moments. Because when it comes down to it, our life experience is greatly enriched by our connections with other people. There is a poet, D.H. Lawrence, that talks about this idea, which they also reference in the “Waking Life” movie.

“It’s kind of like D.H. Lawrence had this idea of two people meeting on the road. And instead of just passing and glancing away, they decide to accept what he calls “the confrontation between their souls.” It’s like, um, freeing the brave reckless gods within us all.”

And I believe that he is absolute right. This is something we consciously need to remain aware of and strive to embrace. It is the collection of these small moments in my memories, where I have chosen to avoid connection, that I will now use to fuel my growth.

I can no longer go on hiding from people. Keeping myself hidden from the world. I can no longer walk around like an ant. I don’t want to be an ant. The journey could be too wonderful. I don’t want to have all of these memories of amazing experiences but walk away also remembering all of the moments I missed. Only experiencing half of what I could be. I want to experience this life with you. All of you. So now I strive to enrich my experience even more, by adding the depth of connection. I need it. And I have a feeling you do too. 

Because when it comes down to it we are all in this together. Trying to do the same thing. Survive. In the best possible way we can. And we have the opportunity to help each other do this. Through awareness. And love. So next time we are out in the real world. Let’s make an effort to accept confrontation. By putting ourselves out there. Helping others put themselves out there too. Letting them know it is okay. And by doing this, freeing the brave reckless gods inside of us all.